This document has been talked about for several years now. It is compiled of the most common dating scenarios that I have run into & hilarious conversation between me and Irma (my constant). (click here to recap) But I think it would work for any woman really.
Ladies, things to remember!
1. Don’t be bitter. It makes your face look like a walnut & you’ll never get another date.
2. Have a fuckin sense of humor. It totally makes you look thinner.
3. Crying in the bathing tub is strictly reserved for HORRIFIC heartache, domestic violence or death (if he was on good terms). Other than that, say “Mehh” or “Fuck this noise” and let that bird flyyyyy. If it is meant to be…I don’t know. Bird will come back…
4. Therapy helps. No really, do that shit.
That’s it. En-hoy!
Dear [insert name here],
If you are receiving this note, I am sorry, not sorry to you, but for you.
I am emailing you from the past, to let you know this date has been noted for future reference and clarity.
Today, [MM/DD/YYYY], is the day that you: (check all that apply)
[ ] Started showing signs of mild retardation.
[ ] Started behaving strangely – enough to cause valid suspicion
[ ] Started communicating/responding to contact in a “To Catch a Predator” fashion.
[ ] Made shit weird leading this relationship down a slippery slope of deterioration.
[ ] Were eaten by a whale and I haven't heard from you (don't know why).
[ ] _________________________________________________________________
Or, you did something fucking stupid and are too emotionally retarded to: (check all that apply)
[ ] admit it
[ ] deal with it [ ] say sorry
[ ] care enough about me to correct the matter
[ ] dead
[ ] _______________________________________________________
Your behavior has suddenly changed due to: (check all that apply)
[ ] guilt (specify below)
[ ] an ex-girlfriend
[ ] inappropriate contact with another woman (please see rules of acceptable contact)
[ ] overall disappointment in yourself for behaving like an 8th grader
[ ] your love of video games/porn
[ ] hidden drug or alcohol abuse
[ ] inability to verbalize emotions, wants or needs
[ ] your pride was touched softly
[ ] incarceration/detainment
[ ] minor head injury
[ ] major head injury
[ ] stupidity
[ ] a sudden short term “freak out” due to unfamiliar feelings of caring, love or vulnerability
[ ] immatureness
[ ] unknown reasons or
[ ] death
[ ] _______________________________________________________
This date has been noted based on your following actions: (check all that apply)
[ ] abrupt failure to contact me
[ ] a significant dwindling interest in me [ ] appearance on Maury, To Catch a Predator, Americas Most Wanted or any shows like these.
[ ] failure to make contact with me for more than 22 hours
[ ] failure to make contact with me for more than 10 hours, if our last encounter was sexual.
[ ] one of the reasons prior to this step
[ ] you died
[ ] _____________________________________________________________
Your actions have damaged this attempt at dating, causing all further contact between us (if any) to be: (check all that apply)
[ ] horribly awkward
[ ] unwanted [ ] seriously restricted until it has been specified that the reason for contact is to address this NOTE.
[ ] poor attempts to "be a nice guy"
[ ] attempts to stop me from hating you
[ ] restricted to pathetic Facebook "likes"
[ ] available for revaluation after appropriate amount of “break-up time” has passed. (Approx. 3mo.-1yr)
[ ] death
[ ] ___________________________________________________
Because of this noted action, as of today [MM/DD/YYYY], I will: (check all that apply)
[
] keep this note until this all plays out in one of the above ways
[
] hope you get your head out of your asshole
[
] cry in the bath tub like a crazy person
[ ] make no further attempts to contact you if your attempts have decreased for any of the above reasons
[ ] revoke all access to soft parts
[ ] tell my best friend and or constant:
[ ] odd or socially unacceptable habits
[ ] your sexual performance issues
[ ] secrets you told me
[ ] everything, then make fun of you
[ ] feel very sorry for you and your inability to make a relationship work with a beautiful, smart, independent, understanding, caring, sexy & damn funny woman
[ ] wish you Godspeed with your dating adventures
[ ] laugh when you get a skank pregnant
[ ] point and laugh when I see you out with a hot mess of a chick
[ ] point and laugh when she keys your car, acts crazy in public, takes your money or turns you into a mini-van driver. (Remember this could have been avoided)
[ ] _______________________________________________________________
It is estimated that the future of our relationship will last approximately (check all that apply) [ ] 1 week from today
[ ] 2 weeks from today
[ ] 1 month from today
[ ] ________________________________________________________________
Currently you are in a status of: (check all that apply)
[ ] "Noted" - a verbal acknowledgment between best friend/constant and me, that your behavior is a showing signs of being a failure.
[ ] "Verbal" - you have verbally been made aware of the noticed changes, by me.
[ ] "Cold Case" - not available for contact, but will be notified when found.
[ ] “Listed” – you will be contacted in a drunken rage by me, preferably at the worst moment for you.
[ ] "FAIL" - you have been "noted" & kindly "verbally" made aware (more than once) of the noted changes, your behavior, unacceptable dating etiquette or the impending demise of our relationship and have turned into a pussy instead of a man and have eliminated yourself.
[ ] "DISMISSED" - you have been "noted" & kindly "verbally" made aware (more than once) of the noted changes, your behavior, unacceptable dating etiquette or the impending demise of our relationship and have failed to recoup your once golden status. Leading to your dismissal by me.
Should you attempt to contact me after 3 or more weeks of FAIL or DISMISSAL you will: (check all that apply) [ ] be sent to the back of the line and lose all priory accumulated points. Resetting your status to before our first date.
[ ] considered
[ ] beaten within an inch of your life by my family
[ ] ignored
[ ] ___________________________________________________________________
Tips & Tricks
- Don't be a dick.
- Be good to me, I'll be good to you.
- You know how to treat a woman, if you cannot do this, fail yourself out.
- Learn how to say sorry
- Watch porn if you need to
- Don’t watch too much porn
- If you don't know what a "constant" is please catch up on the last 2 seasons of LOST
- If you have a nose bleed, were too late, and this note is null and void. You're gonna want to find you're constant for the next steps.
Thank you & consider yourself warned.
[My Name]
[MM/DD/YYYY]
[Witness/Constant]
[MM/DD/YYYY]
[Notary]
[i] You will try to contact me again when the planets align or you get your head out of your asshole and realize you fucked up. They always call…. (Heysus, 2011) Heysus, Big Butter. 2011. Ms. Chicago, IL, USA : My fingers, June 01, 2011.
