Wednesday, January 11, 2012

I have that Brain Eating Amoeba Mermaid Fetus Syndrome (BEAMFS)

Uma Lou:  If Rich and I die from brain eating amoebas because of our nasal wash, you can have moose.
 BBH:  um WHAT? did I miss a warning label?
 Uma Lou:  well apparently they say not to use tap water but we do because we are lazy.

 BBH:  fuck that noise
 Uma Lou:  LOL
 BBH:  I use BLEACH suck it Neti
 BBH:  LOOOOOOOOL ahhhhhhhhhh
 Uma Lou:  are you ok?
 BBH:  I have 2 things about this Neti-Medi....
1. No one uses distilled water or disinfects it after EACH use
2. If I don’t use salt, it’s HORRIFICALLY PAINFUL
3. Could they make the little packets any harder to open with wet hands?
That’s 3 things
I hate you
 Uma Lou:   ~<OO>
 BBH:  <OO>!
 Uma Lou:  LOL
 BBH:  I hate ghat
 Uma Lou:  weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
 BBH:  and
Every time I try to do it without salt....
 Uma Lou:  lol
 BBH:  It BURNS my face so fuckin bad! Like gasoline and I thrash my head around my bathroom screaming like an alien.
 Uma Lou:  LOOOOOL
 BBH:  BUT when I do the salt water.....
I am laughing so hard I can’t tell you
 BBH:  Ok Uma why doesn’t the salt water burn?
 Uma Lou:  I DON'T KNOW
 BBH:  I have 2 theories that run through my mind each time
 Uma Lou:  the packets are supposed to be a salt and baking powder!
Great I can't wait to hear
 BBH:  BOTH of which seem like they would BURN like hell! Right? Right.
 Uma Lou:  LOOOOL
 BBH:  1.
I always think "I’m a newborn"
Because they can breathe fluid
 BBH:  2.
I think...
"I’m a mermaid"
 BBH:  Uma I am fuckin crying And everyone is staring at me
 Uma Lou:  LOL Do you think you are a mermaid now? Because you are crying
 BBH:  crying my SALT WATER TEARS! Seeeeeeeeee!
 BBH:  I am
 Uma Lou:  beach angel!
 BBH:  it actually explains a lot
 Uma Lou:  all the bathtub incidents? You are just like the movie splash
 BBH:  Daryl Hannah!
 Uma Lou:  YES
 BBH:  The shit in my brain is not right
 Uma Lou:  no it isn't. But that's ok. This is why we are friends. I get angry at car commercials
And you think you are a mermaid

Shortly after having this conversation with Uma Lou about our brain eating amoebas...Uhh Yeah Dude reported on it (Episode 304 which is available on iTunes or their site).
So I quickly recorded it and sent to Uma! (click here for my weird youtube video of it and how it goes in my brain) Or listen to UYD for real, for a slightly more coherant version of the Neti-Pot as Seth explains how he has been telling his Mom that her satanic ritual of using neti pots is like playing with fire! (and another reason T-Pain MUST DIE)

BBH & Uma Lou on the subject of having children at the same time….

Uma Lou:  when we're ready then we'll just adopt we can adopt little Mexican babies that are sisters or brothers 
BBH:  ya no Asians, yuppies walking around with them like they are from the American Girl store, they freak me out
 Uma Lou:  NO ASIANS yeah me too
And no black babies because you scared me…about them turning 10 and going all militia
on me
BBH:  just Sudanese or what ever Angelina Jolie gets
BBH:  fuckin shank me in the eyeball in my sleep
 Uma Lou:  LOL wearing a bandana and w/ a ak47
 BBH:  no pores and shit
 Uma Lou:  LOL Mexican babies although I think we have to live in Mexico, so there may be a year we have to move there
 BBH:  fuck no
 Uma Lou:  LOL
 BBH:  they will kidnap us!
 Uma Lou:  OMG
 BBH:  they will think we are lesbians and lesbians have money! Fuck that noise
 Uma Lou:  oh shit, you are right
 BBH:  you just bring me back one & a blanket
 Uma Lou:  ok LOL
 BBH:  and I a need a English speaking model
 Uma Lou:  I’ll take two Mexican babies please do they speak English yet?
No? hmmm no no I need English speaking Mexican baby too
 BBH:  I don’t know what you’re bringing me! You could be all funny and bring me like a 6 yr old! like ha ha watch this...this will be HILARIOUS
 Uma Lou:  their pampers will be full of drugs then what, oh hello Federali I was bringing this Mexican baby to my best friend, nope. Dead.
 BBH:  damn it. You need bigger boobs
 Uma Lou:  LOL
 BBH:  we don’t have anything else to OFFER if we get kidnapped
Uma Lou:  omg we're gonna die
 BBH:  yup
 Uma Lou:  LOL two American lesbians by the name of big butter and Uma Lou died trying to transport drug stuffed babies and what do I have? Do you like my curly hair?
 BBH:  ughhh can I pay my ransom in craft supplies & shoes?
BBH:  you for sure can rid of Ike that way (Uma’s dumb dog)
 Uma Lou:  I will sing a song for you!
LOL poor Ike, we'll bring moose
 BBH:  fuck Ike. Moose will save us (he’s from the streets)
 Uma Lou:  you know he's one step away from fucking people up
 BBH:  We will send for my brother, Mario & Moose.
 Uma Lou:  LOL omg
 BBH:  they will save us
 Uma Lou:  it'll be like one of those action movies cept it will be Mario and moose
 BBH:  yes. And guns
 Uma Lou:  I am cracking up! Yes I’ll imagine its Bradley cooper and he's speaking French to me
 BBH:  you always are
 Uma Lou:  every minute of every day
 BBH: new man crush is David Boranaz? Bore-e-anus from Bones. I love his mandible.
 Uma Lou:  OH YES he is sexy  wooo wooo
BBH:  I’d let him... you know
 Uma Lou:  do you in the butt?

Monday, September 19, 2011

Holly Molly...are you O-K???

I love my neighbor Holly. Who for the first year of knowing her, I called her MOLLY, and she NEVER SAID ANYTHING. So now she is known as Holly Molly.
I had this conversation with her in real life…
The smoke from Minnesota's forest fire, traveled all the way to the NW burbs of Chicago. It stunk like burnt Fritos & Israeli feet, and brought us this horrible smog/overcast that was super creepy.
But in my head, the conversation really went like this…

And then this really happened…See why I like her? She is CRAZY & FUNNY.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Top 10 list of shit that's been going on (or was inhaled) lately.

Oh hey everybody, what’s been goin on? Nothin? Oh that’s lame.
Here’s a top 10 of my life over the last month or so...

1.  My brother posted an ad on Craig’s list for a FORD SHO ENGINE W/ RACE CAMS - $700
This is a response he received:
Hi, I was wondering if you may be interested in trading (full or partial) for professional tattoo work.
Thanks, Thom
Umm, my brother chose not to trade the engine for a sweet sweet rhino tattoo from the guy name Thom. THOM?

2. Here are some online dating gems I’ve met. And I use the term DATING very very loosely.
Not only is he a recording artist/music producer, DJ…. (Because who isn’t?)
He is also a SWAT dude? Tactical something? I’m not sure…but it scares me. But I’ve been brushing up on my own tactical skills so I am confident I could take him out at 450ft. (see below)

3. Meet ButtLover2720, ya that’s right. Love the Butts…

I checked out his profile, because his name is BUTTLOVER! Come on. And I SWORE I read “I LOVE ANAL” in his profile. The next day I went to show Irma and it was gone?!

Ah ha! I wasn’t crazy!

 4. I changed my profile to try and deter guys sending me messages like “SUP”.
I added a feature that enforces a character limit of 50 for the message being sent to me.

It took me a while to figure out what this dude did….

Then it dawned on me….he cut and pasted the ERROR MESSAGE into the body of the email to meet the 50 character setting. And that’s it. No message. Nothing. WTF.


 5. So ya. I’m still single. I think I’ll hit 40,000 profile views today. Do I get a prize? Fuck off.

6. I got to spend my birthday at the shooting range, it was awesome. And I can hit a bottle cap from 450 feet away. What’s up bitches?  

7. Uhh Yeah Dude is still the best podcast ever. Even when people from the UYD Nation are rude, whiny or bleeding heart stalkers on facebook or the forum. So now I just have tunnel vision and only listen to their mellifluous voices on my headphones.

 If you’re not listening, fuck you. Don’t read my blog, they are god damned funny and you should be listening by now. Welcome to 2011’s people.
8. I wish I would have got these awesome pictures of my brain BEFORE I inhaled my nose piercing this weekend. Blah blah….Ya I know I’m accident prone. And I have started keeping a list of the possible ways I may die. Because I know it won’t be of natural causes.
For the people who don’t understand twitter language….
  • Torn aorta from nose piercing
  • Glass shard that travels to vital organ
  • Paper shredder
  • Punctured lung
  • Torn anus
  • Tetanus
  • Accidental laceration
  • Infection from cut/stab/slash
  • Getting trapped behind a large piece of furniture (it happens..see here)
  • Metal object in eye ball
  • Aneurism/Migraine/Brain Explosion
  • Pin that travels to heart
  • Stapling a body part
  • Hit by ice cream truck because I’m blind

I’m not making this list up…it’s based on my LIFE. And according to Irma I “need to be put in a home or get life alert”

9. My asshole-no-underwear-wearing-take-pictures-of-their-butts-with-my-camera-family told me to Google “BLUE WAFFLE” (do it, go ahead, it’s cool, but not you Mom. Mom DO NOT GOOGLE IT, for real) 
Ya. That almost made me puke. But I didn’t. I just spent the next 2 hours trying to find how TO NEVER GET BLUE WAFFLE! You can’t avoid it apparently. Or you can if you never have sex. So I am way ahead of the rest of you fuckers. Good luck with that.

10. I am a mysterious creature, its no secret. But I didnt know I could wooo a man with my thumbs's's. All three of them? ugh, I dont understand?


There are like 25 other pictures of me, and THIS is the one that moved him? Does he think I have 3 hands? 2 right thumbs? WTF?

Meh....Thats all I got. 

Oh and I messed up my layout. So enjoy this goofy format for now.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

At least he did'nt drag it out for a couple months?

I have not been on in a couple months…
I log on today. Here’s the first email I get...I think it went well.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Ya I LEARNED. Thank you ole wise jerks.

If one more person asks me "And what did you learn?" regarding my slew of tickets in 2 weeks....I swear fo moses I'm gonna stab them in the face.
Here is what I learned from these tickets and this whole shitty week in general:
5.    COPS LOVE, LOVE, LOVE MUSTACHES. I seriously only thought that was on TV.
6.    They give me migraines.
7.    Dude’s SUCK. No really, fuck off.
8.    ER doctors will put you in a freakin Rip Van Winkle COMA if you are not CLEAR about your symptoms.
9.    Irma is the best.
10.  When a dude demands that you NOT COME TO HIS DOOR…don’t. Just let him sit in horror and wonder all night contemplating if I am JUST CRAZY enough to STILL COME TO THE DOOR?
11.  Doing this will irritate the rash on his abdomen. That somehow makes me feel better about #10

Ya so, Happy Birthday to ME.
Maria 1: Hey Maria it’s almost your birthday? I got you a sweet present!
Maria 2: REALLY! I love presents! YA ME/US!!!!
Maria 1: Here, it’s your OWN driver’s license back. Enjoy that.
Maria 2: Oh thank you!!!! That’s just what I wanted! Oh and to pay kidney prices for it! Please tell me you did!?
Maria 1: Fuck yes I did!
Maria 2: SWEET! Best week-up-to-Wednesday, EVER.

Sunday, June 5, 2011


This document has been talked about for several years now.  It is compiled of the most common dating scenarios that I have run into & hilarious conversation between me and Irma (my constant). (click here to recap)
But I think it would work for any woman really.
Ladies, things to remember!
1.       Don’t be bitter. It makes your face look like a walnut & you’ll never get another date.
2.       Have a fuckin sense of humor. It totally makes you look thinner.
3.       Crying in the bathing tub is strictly reserved for HORRIFIC heartache, domestic violence or death (if he was on good terms). Other than that, say “Mehh” or “Fuck this noise” and let that bird flyyyyy. If it is meant to be…I don’t know. Bird will come back…
4.       Therapy helps. No really, do that shit.
That’s it. En-hoy!

Dear [insert name here],
If you are receiving this note, I am sorry, not sorry to you, but for you.
I am emailing you from the past, to let you know this date has been noted for future reference and clarity.
Today, [MM/DD/YYYY], is the day that you: (check all that apply)

[  ] Started showing signs of mild retardation.
[  ] Started behaving strangely – enough to cause valid suspicion 
[  ] Started communicating/responding to contact in a “To Catch a Predator” fashion.
[  ] Made shit weird leading this relationship down a slippery slope of deterioration.
[  ] Were eaten by a whale and I haven't heard from you (don't know why).

[  ] _________________________________________________________________

Or, you did something fucking stupid and are too emotionally retarded to: (check all that apply)
[  ] admit it
[  ] deal with it
[  ] say sorry
[  ] care enough about me to correct the matter
[  ] dead
[  ] _______________________________________________________

Your behavior has suddenly changed due to: (check all that apply)
[  ] guilt (specify below)
                              [  ] an ex-girlfriend
                              [  ] inappropriate contact with another woman (please see rules of acceptable contact)
                              [  ] overall disappointment in yourself for behaving like an 8th grader
                              [  ] your love of video games/porn
                              [  ] hidden drug or alcohol abuse
                              [  ] inability to verbalize emotions, wants or needs
[  ] your pride was touched softly
[  ] incarceration/detainment
[  ] minor head injury
[  ] major head injury
[  ] stupidity
[  ] a sudden short term “freak out” due to unfamiliar feelings of caring, love or vulnerability
[  ] immatureness
[  ] unknown reasons or
[  ] death

[  ] _______________________________________________________
This date has been noted based on your following actions: (check all that apply)
[  ] abrupt failure to contact me
[  ] a significant dwindling interest in me
[  ] appearance on Maury, To Catch a Predator, Americas Most Wanted or any shows like these.
[  ] failure to make contact with me for more than 22 hours

[  ] failure to make contact with me for more than 10 hours, if our last encounter was sexual.
[  ] one of the reasons prior to this step
[  ] you died 
[  ] _____________________________________________________________
Your actions have damaged this attempt at dating, causing all further contact between us (if any) to be: (check all that apply)
[  ] horribly awkward
[  ] unwanted
[  ] seriously restricted until it has been specified that the reason for contact is to address this NOTE.
[  ] poor attempts to "be a nice guy"
[  ] attempts to stop me from hating you
[  ] restricted to pathetic Facebook "likes"
[  ] available for revaluation after appropriate amount of “break-up time” has passed. (Approx. 3mo.-1yr)
[  ] death

[  ] ___________________________________________________

 Because of this noted action, as of today [MM/DD/YYYY], I will: (check all that apply)
[  ] keep this note until this all plays out in one of the above ways
[  ] hope you get your head out of your asshole
[  ] cry in the bath tub like a crazy person
[  ] make no further attempts to contact you if your attempts have decreased for any of the above reasons
[  ] revoke all access to soft parts
[  ] tell my best friend and or constant:
[  ] odd or socially unacceptable habits
[  ] your sexual performance issues
[  ] secrets you told me
[  ] everything, then make fun of you
[  ] feel very sorry for you and your inability to make a relationship work with a beautiful, smart, independent, understanding, caring, sexy & damn funny woman
[  ] wish you Godspeed with your dating adventures
[  ] laugh when you get a skank pregnant
[  ] point and laugh when I see you out with a hot mess of a chick
[  ] point and laugh when she keys your car, acts crazy in public, takes your money or turns you into a mini-van driver. (Remember this could have been avoided)
[  ] _______________________________________________________________
It is estimated that the future of our relationship will last approximately (check all that apply)
[  ] 1 week from today
[  ] 2 weeks from today
[  ] 1 month from today

[  ] ________________________________________________________________

Currently you are in a status of: (check all that apply) 
[  ] "Noted" - a verbal acknowledgment between best friend/constant and me, that your behavior is a showing signs of being a failure.
[  ] "Verbal" - you have verbally been made aware of the noticed changes, by me.
[  ] "Cold Case" - not available for contact, but will be notified when found.
[  ] “Listed” – you will be contacted in a drunken rage by me, preferably at the worst moment for you.
[  ] "FAIL" - you have been "noted" & kindly "verbally" made aware (more than once) of the noted changes, your behavior, unacceptable dating etiquette or the impending demise of our relationship and have turned into a pussy instead of a man and have eliminated yourself.

[  ] "DISMISSED" - you have been "noted" & kindly "verbally" made aware (more than once) of the noted changes, your behavior, unacceptable dating etiquette or the impending demise of our relationship and have failed to recoup your once golden status. Leading to your dismissal by me.

Should you attempt to contact me after 3 or more weeks of FAIL or DISMISSAL you will:
[1] (check all that apply)
[  ] be sent to the back of the line and lose all priory accumulated points. Resetting your status to before our first date.
[  ] considered
[  ] beaten within an inch of your life by my family
[  ] ignored

[  ] ___________________________________________________________________
Tips & Tricks
- Don't be a dick.
- Be good to me, I'll be good to you.
- You know how to treat a woman, if you cannot do this, fail yourself out.
- Learn how to say sorry
- Watch porn if you need to
- Don’t watch too much porn
- If you don't know what a "constant" is please catch up on the last 2 seasons of LOST
- If you have a nose bleed, were too late, and this note is null and void. You're gonna want to find you're constant for the next steps.
Thank you & consider yourself warned.
[My Name]

[i] You will try to contact me again when the planets align or you get your head out of your asshole and realize you fucked up. They always call….
(Heysus, 2011) Heysus, Big Butter. 2011. Ms. Chicago, IL, USA : My fingers, June 01, 2011.